Reconnecting after an argument
Hello beautiful Souls,
Welcome to Somatic Balance.108, I am Caroline Hey, your mindfulness practitioner. In this Blog Post, I’d like to share with you an approach to expressing to your partner that he/she has hurt you, without blaming him/her.
I suggest you either write a letter, or initiate an allocated sharing space. Invite your partner to have an uncomfortable conversation. See Blog 1 and Blog 2.
Make sure you are in a balanced state and ooze of calmness and safety.
Go through all your own emotions first. Whatever arises at the time, take note of it, question your own reaction, sit with it, and let it pass. Allow yourself the space to observe fully what is going on within you. What has been triggered, where does the hurt really come from. How much of the hurt is your partner’s action, and how much is your own story/ history.
When you are ready to respond, with some reasonable time passed, express your journey of reaction to your partners outburst. Share your journey openly. Below is an example letter written in the “I – statement”. Feel free to use whatever applies to you. And yes, the below is all the same letter. The purpose of this exercise is to show the different states of hurt. The immediate stinging sensation, when you would fight back, but you didn’t this time, because you want to grow. Then the more collected response, from the heart. The next one after that, an even deeper share to where you have been hurt… and so on. There are countless levels. Share as many stages as you feel comfortable. And remember, this is a sharing with your partner. The person who loves you, the person who you trust the most.
Dear … ,
First and foremost, please read this letter coming from a calm and peaceful space. With some wit and full presence.
May I say, I embrace this vulnerable time and seeing parts of you that I knew must be hidden somewhere.
Thank you for showing me a side that is usually hidden from me. A “raw” version, a hurting man/ woman, coming from a wound not fully healed.
1 - The immediate ego driven perspective:
‘What the fuck’… What did I do that you were set-off by? What did I do that you oozed repellent off every pore and made me feel incredibly unwelcome?
When you showed a tiny bit of reconciliation, I thought we were good again. Yet into the night/day […time that has passed and not eased the tension…] it became worse, leaving me feeling hated.
And then you suggested that I(?!) have the shits with you? – Right???!!!
Who was the one not talking to me, rolling his eyes and tuning away, walking off?
What the fuck just happened? So much to ‘you love me no matter what’. So much to ‘you choose me every day’… Well, you certainly didn’t choose me today.
2 - The grown-up partner response:
I am sorry you are hurting. Know, I will hold space for you, I will give you all the time you need to move through this. If you’d like me to be there with you, please reach out any time. You are hurting, and therefore you are hurting me with your actions. I invite you to communicate what is going on/ what is moving through you as I have no insight to this.
As for not being able to see where I can be of help, I’ll remove myself as the trigger and wait for you to reach out. I wait for the hurting to subside, and for the moment when you choose me over your pain, again.
After reflecting on my own phases of reacting to your outburst, I am proud of myself. I can detach myself from your pain. It is not ME. You don’t hate me. I am a trigger to something that has happened to you.
I am here. Holding space. This time I am your rock, withstanding the heat of the blazing fire of old pain raging through our nourishing forest of partnership, love and trust.
3 - The partner having had a painful past her-/him- self.
The day I allow you one step closer into my life, the day I give you a key to my home [… insert whatever the latest key moment in your relationship was and is now jeopardized by this fight…] and joked to not “mess this up”, emphasizing it is a “major deal for me”; that turns out to be the day when you show a face of yourself I have never seen before.
Is this how you really are?
Did you honey-trap me? Are the same type of person that I kept leaving in other relationships?
All my alarm bells go off, emotional abuse, you’re retreating to gain control, playing withdraw - for me to crawl back, begging to not throw this away. – I am scared.
The moment I was so afraid of, the moment one thing flicking off the rose colored glasses, turning me into just any another one.
Does it take really only one single moment to forget ___ year(s) of love swears?
You’re digging a gap in the size of the grand canyon between us. The moment I build a string-thin bridge, you knock it down.
You have taught me to see my worth, that I am lovable, to accept nothing but respect.
Because I respect myself more, because I love myself more, because I have been a good student and have embodied what you’ve taught me. I am not going to beg you to stay.
4 - The hurting inner child:
[Your inner child has its own story of pain, allow yourself to tap into the subtleness of your pain. The below is a typical response if your inner child has experienced abandonment.]
Here we go again. Someone tells me I am loved for who I am, yet flips on me the moment I share a personal truth from my past.
Being honest is just never rewarding.
Here we go again, being me means I will be punished, I will be left, people won’t truly love me for who I am.
5 - A Therapist:
What I am seeing is a wound ripped open, pus dripping with old grief, hurt, disappointment, and doubt. – I might just as much be wrong about that. – Perception tinted by being your partner, not your therapist.
What I can offer?
To move through this together, as partners.
What I’d like to suggest.
· Go deep inside and look where the physical response sits.
· Look at what the real cause is. – Where have you been judged for a choice you’ve made?
· When did that happen to you? Put a date and scenario to it. Try to be as precise as possible.
· Write it on a piece of paper including the date. – Get it physically out of your system.
· Picture a huge gap between you and I, and how it widens with ever thought you think by feeding that pain.
· Reflect on the thoughts that are digging the ditch deeper and wider, and give them actual value in direct coherence to ME as a person.
· Acknowledge what is fiction/past experience with others, and what is truly experienced with ME over the time of our relationship.
· Make a pro and con list, write out what springs to mind.
· Reflect on the version of ME you have created in your mind. How far off is this version from reality, and why/ how can 1(!) non-relevant life event in MY life take all of the above away.
I am here to talk, when you are ready. With loving kindness,
A conversation can be similarly structured as per the above. Once you have created a safe space to sit together, you can conduct the conversation with a cheat sheet to express your reactions and the journey to be able to respond calmly. Make sure you are setting clear boundaries to share uninterrupted and listen to the other person with full presence.
With loving kindness,